Gospel? You say?

It’s the middle of the night and Rev. Lynn enters stage left dressed in pj’s, carrying a blanket and a partially empty bottle of liquor.  She settles out on the couch and picks up the remote control and starts flipping through channels. 


Rev. Lynn:

Televangelists!  Wonder what they’re on about now?

Sits up with an astounded look…

What the F…?

Mimics the person on the TV:

The word of Gawd says that Jaysusuh is Gawds only begotten son.  Repaint of you sins.  Jesus Christ!

Why does he do they all sound like they’re from the deep south?

…as an aside…

Maybe he’s speaking in tongues.


Clicks to the next channel.

Hey Lady, what’s with the hair?  My Mom always told me never trust a woman whose hair is bigger than her butt.  Ya, I’m gonna send you some money to help convert the Muslims.


Clicks to the next channel…leans forward with greater interest.

Watch him!  Watch him….he’s gonna…DUCK!  Dude, I warned you.  You idiot, why’d you just stand there?  He hit that other guy right between the eyes…look he’s still down!  Fool!

Shuts off the TV and tries to go back to sleep but God starts talking.

Rev. Lynn listens to what God has to say,

Of course I’m interested in the gospel.  But seriously, God, it’s supposed to sound good isn’t it.  Ya, I’m a horrible, rotten sinner and deserve to go to hell….it was only one joint,…and I didn’t inhale.

And then talk about a threat.  If I get “saved” (say with some attitude) I can spend eternity living next door to Aunt Sarah.  I can hardly stand seeing her for 3 hours at a family reunion and I really want my mansion in her sub-division.  Altho’ it might just piss her off…thinks about it for a moment. 

Gets up and starts walking around…

They got it wrong?  You think?

What’s the real gospel then?

I’m what?  Spectacular?  (Cynically) Sure give me a good bra and some Spanks and I’m breathtaking?

So the Gospel has to include the idea that everybody is gifted, and glorious…magnificent?

Thinks for a bit…hmms and hahs

But what if I did inhale?

Listens for God’s response…

Just because I fuck up doesn’t mean I’m a fuck up!

I need to know this…why?

Listens for God’s response…

Because I can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar…I can attract more flies with bullshit too but what does that have to do with it.

Listens for God’s response…

So what you’re saying is if I believe that I’m brilliant I can change the world.  I can make a difference in the big issues like poverty and climate change and….trails off…

You know I’ve been trying that and frankly, I’ve pissed a lot of people off!

Listens for God’s response…

It happens, eh?

So if I’m marvelous, what about that guy…points out someone in the audience…or her.  You mean we’re all glorious.  So that means that the everyone should be welcomed…everyone has a place in your realm and a part to play?

Listens…even loud mouth atheists?

Listens…and gay Jews?

What about….thinks for a moment…what about a transgendered wrestler with an addiction to freecell?

Listens…okay I get it.  Everyone is welcomed.

Starts to pack up her stuff to leave stage left…

You know something, God?  Pause…you got a potty mouth!


So what if it’s 3:00 in the morning.  Welcome to my life.  You shouldn’t have messed with my hormones.

Listens…smiles and chuckles to herself.

Ya, and I shouldn’t have messed with the tequila!


The End